Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
