and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
