my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Randomize
