I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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