Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
