He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The beer is more important than you right now.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
