i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
