I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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