Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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