Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
