god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
