I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
