so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
