I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
