my phone needs a breathalizer
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
