Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
