I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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