i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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