if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
