My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
