after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
