he puts the penis in happiness.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
