You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
