What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
