I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
