sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
