I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
