First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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