Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
