If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
