And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
high people should be assigned attendants
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
