So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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