Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So apparently I’m into choking now
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
