areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
