she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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