i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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