eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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