just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
