cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
