Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
