We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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