My liver just broke up with me...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Blood and glitter go together right?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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