The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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