So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
