my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
