The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
