fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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