i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
