I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
