apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
